Monday, January 31, 2011

"What is WRONG with this family??? Are we even normal???

It happened again. Actually, it seems to be happening almost daily now. The Baby has a "poo problem" and I'm starting to get concerned. It started off as a little bit funny..... when she'd sneak her hands into her diapers and pull out a mess then look at us with a shocked expression on her face like 'How in the world did THAT get there!?!?" But that quickly lead to her ramming her hands into her dirty diapers the very second she finished "her job" and then hollering in an alarmed voice "Ewww! Yucky!!!" with her arms outstretched, hands clenched, with nastiness oozing out from in between her tiny fingers .... showing us the source of her disgust. "Why does she DO that?" my Husband exclaims emphatically as I stifle a giggle behind his back and head off to clean up the crib, walls, carpet, or booster seat before the offending mess has a chance to solidify and harden, adhering to whatever piece of furniture happened to get in the way. It's not like she "plays" with it. She doesn't even like it. She seems to be disgusted at it. But nonetheless she continues to dig for it as if searching for lost treasure. Lately, the Baby has been taking off her diaper as soon as she's made a mess in it.... but this seems to cause just as much untidiness as it does when she pulls it out by the handful.
I KNOW this is a genuine indicator that toilet training is just around the corner but come on, enough is enough! I have to be on my toes to catch her as soon as she "goes" otherwise her hands will find their way to the "mud pies". And if she happens to be napping.... forget it .... she's a sneaky one..... quiet and stealthy..... she digs into her drawers before I even know she's awake - sometimes she doesn't even make a sound ..... until I hear that dreaded familiar phrase .... "Uh oh. Ewww!" ... and by then it's too late. The last time that recognizable odor wafted out from underneath her bedroom door and assaulted me before I even knew what hit me, I began to wonder out loud "What is WRONG with this family??? Are we even normal??? Is something dysfunctional going on here???" But all I got in reply was a pathetic "sowwwy" from her bedroom. "This too will pass, this too will pass, this too will pass..." I mutter to myself as I scrub the "poopies" off her hands and dig the dung out from under her tiny finger nails. "Uggs?" (hugs) she offers cautiously with her arms outstretched. "Uggs Mama?" she asks again, a little more persistantly. "Sure thing kiddlet, as soon as I get your stinkies all cleaned up." I assure her with a smile. Someday she'll outgrow this phase and we'll use it to embarrass her when she's a teenager :)
Speaking of Teenagers...
My Teenager has an amazingly smart "Butt", yup you heard me .... a smart Butt. I never even knew it was possible to train your body parts for other uses but somehow she's managed to do it! And I thank technology for that. Every since we got her a cell phone there's been no stopping her gluteus maximus. And oh the things it has learned to do ..... BUTT TEXTING!
Can you imagine sending a text message to your friends using only your buttocks? (and your brain never even knows this communication is going on) And even more amazing still is how your Bum can make a phone call to your Buddy while you are completely unaware. This is called BUTT DIALING ...  Suddenly you hear a tiny muffled voice behind you.... in your pants pocket .... "hello? hello? helloooO? Who is this? Is anybody there?" When you finally figure out it's your friend on the phone making all the noise and not your "oh so smart behind" talking it's too late - they've hung up. But they WILL call you back - they have call display you know .... your BUTT cannot prank call anyone because your friends will always know who called (even if you blame it on your unsuspecting cheeks.) Another annoying but clever skill my Teenager's Bottom end has learned is BUTT PHOTOGRAPHY. At any given moment you might hear that familiar "click" of the camera on the cell phone ... when you fish the phone out of your pocket you see an incredible picture of ..... the inside of your pocket! I'm not sure how many pictures of a dark screen a cell phone can hold before the memory card is all filled up but it sure is annoying to have to flip through all those BUTT SHOTS to delete them all.
BZZZZ, BZZZZ, BZZZZ ...... BZZZZ, BZZZZZ, BZZZZZ. "Hey!!! What's that sound?" my Husband asks. "That's the language of the Teenager" I reply knowingly. "What?" He asks shaking his head. "Her cell phone ... .it's vibrating ... that's the only lanuguage she seems to respond to anymore..." I say as I text her to come upstairs for dinner :)
With all the technology that exists in the world today you'd think that common sense would come easy .... but sometimes it doesn't. Some things don't have to be complicated to confuse a Teenager :) One night the Teenager and I went out to get groceries. We got into the doors of the store and I realized I had left my headlights on. I gave my Teen the keys and asked her to run back and shut the lights off for me. She got the the van and opened the door, fiddled around with something and came back to the store. "The lights are still on." I informed her. "Oh, well they shouldn't be. I turned them off." She replied. "Well maybe they didn't KNOW you were turning them off - they're still you'll have to go back and try again." I said.
 "By the way, it's the small round knob on the dashboard, to the left of the steering wheel. It has three pictures of a headlight on it - turn it to the far left." I reminded her. "I KNOW how to turn the lights off Mom." she said in an annoyed tone of voice. 'Really." I said smugly. And off she went. Back to the van to turn those lights off AGAIN. After a few minutes of fiddling around in the van she came out and looked at the headlights - nope, they're still on. Back in the driver's seat to try again. After another attempt she came back to me in the store looking defeated. "They're still on...." I observed. "I know, I Know... they just won't turn off." she exclaimed. "Are you turning the knob all the way to the left?" I asked, a little irritated now. "YES, I turn it to the left and it isn't doing anything." She says exasperated. "Forget it, I will turn the lights off - wait here with the cart." and I stomp off across the parking lot like a spoiled child because I had to go do it myself. I open the van door, turn the knob to the left and the headlights go out. "How difficult was that!?" I mutter to myself. The Teenager looks embarrassed when I get back to the store so we don't talk about it again until we load the groceries into the van and prepare to head for home. I put the key in the ignition and give it a turn .... then my winshield wipers sweep across the window furiously. I suppress a giggle and look at my girl. "Oh Teenager of mine, please show me which knob you were trying to turn the headlights off with?" I ask her casually. She is watching my hand as I turn on the headlights. She looks away embarassed and giggles. "Oops, guess I was turning the wrong one." She says shyly. "I thought it was the one on the thingy with the steering wheel" she replies. "No, I told you it was this one here... on the dash to the left of the steering wheel ...  the one with three pictures of a headlight...." I remind her. I sigh deeply, shaking my head as we pull out of the parking lot ... secretly thankful she's not old enough to drive yet :)
Here are a few funnies from our house to yours:

* Little Susan was watching a you tube video on the birth of a baby elephant. "WHOA! It looks like Poop!" she exclaimed when the baby began to emerge from the mother's body. Hahaha way too funny to watch her facial expression.
* "Mant Bummis" The Baby exclaims. (She "wants vitamins" at breakfast time)
* Daniel was hanging around the bathroom doorway as I got myself ready for the day. As I applied moisturizer to my face he cuddled up beside me and said "That's to make you smell good right Mom?" "Sure Buddy" I replied. Then as I reached for my makeup bag he said knowingly "Ahhh, THAT'S where you keep all your stuff to get ready and look beautiful."
* At the breakfast table as I drank back my Meal replacement Shake, Latoya piped up "Mama I know something when you get your weight gone - it's ZUMBA- you copy the person, it's like dance for you to get your weight gone." "Thanks dolly, I'll give it a thought" I replied. (She had seen a commercial for Zumba and knew I was concerned with getting healthy right now ... and she was trying to be helpful in that way that only kids can ... cause if my Husband had suggested it he would be in pain right now :)
* Little Susan was playing with Papa on the couch and was trying to button up his shirt but he kept pushing out his belly to make it difficult for her - they were having a good time until Little Susan announced "Papa, it don't fit you?" "It doesn't fit?" He asked. "No," she said "Your body's too big!"

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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

"The boys like ME, not my hair!"

Friday was such an exciting day at our house! I decided it was time to move The Baby to a "big girl" bed so I converted her crib to a toddler bed. She was so excited with this new found independence. She tucked her Teddy Bear in (and out and in and out) of bed a few dozen times, pausing to kiss his fuzzy nose (then rub it on her lips - remember she likes to rub soft fuzzy things on her lips?). She would turn on the bedtime music for her Teddy and pretend to leave the room. Then run back to the bed and pick him up and say "Mornin'" and start it all over again. She thought it was great fun to have a "big girl" bed..... until bedtime that is.
We have a babygate in the doorway of her bedroom so she can still open and close her door but cannot freely roam the house without supervision. I put her into her big girl bed and turned to leave the room I could hear her throwing back her blankets and crawling out of the bed before I even reached the door. I looked over my shoulder and told her (in a firm voice) to "get back into bed" and she scrambled back into bed and peeked out at me from under her blanket.... with a grin on her face..... Oh no, this was going to be a game. I could see it already. I kissed her forehead and made for the door. She was quick and almost beat me there. "Get back into bed!" I implored. The Baby ran back to her bed and stood next to it with a leg raised as if she were "really" going to crawl in bed like the precious obedient Baby girl that she is.... the playful defiance on her face let me know that she had no intention of settling easily for the night. I picked her up and tucked her in once more and firmly told her to "stay in bed." I walked backward toward the door keeping my eyes fixed on her and her tense little fists grasping the edge of the blanket, ready to throw back the covers and spring from the bed as soon as I turned my back on her .... so I didn't. I stepped out of the room, still facing her and closed the door and latched the baby gate.
I could hear her escaping the bed once again and running for the door. I hid in my bedroom (next door to hers) and listened as she opened her door, tried to unlatch the gate and called for me. "Mama? ...... Maaaama. (Where) are you?" she called teasingly.  The door closed again and I ran from my room toward the kitchen. I heard the bedroom door handle wiggling so I ducked into the bathroom .... just in time.... she opened the door again. "Mama?" she called questioningly. The door closed again and I made a run for it. I got to the kitchen and listened intently for her..... nothing. I waited a minute more and listened closely but all I could hear was my own heart beat. "I poked my head around the corner to look toward her room and to my surprise there she was, standing in the doorway with a smile on her face. "Mama!" she said excitedly. "Get back to your bed!" I ordered desperately. She slammed the door closed and I could hear the thump, thump, thump of her little feet running across the bedroom floor. I resigned to letting her run around the room until she wore herself out and fell asleep on her own, and went downstairs to watch television with my Husband. On our way to bed we stopped by the girl's room and peeked in. There she was curled up on her bed with the blankets around her, sleeping like an angel. "Maybe this transition was going to be easier than I thought?" I encouraged myself.  I should have known better than to think optimistically out loud. The very next day all that optimism came back to bite me in the butt.
Getting the Baby to lay down for naptime was just as difficult as it was to get her to go to bed the night before. I had to walk away and let her settle herself as it had just become a game to her. Finally.... after more than thirty minutes the room was quiet - not a peep. I wanted to peek my head into the room to check on her and make sure she made it back into bed but decided against it - waking her and having to start the process all over again was far too risky. So I ignored my motherly instinct that screamed inside me "OPEN THE DOOR - QUICKLY!" and busied myself with housework and other things I can't adequately do when she's awake and under foot. Until I heard a tiny voice from behind the door quietly exclaim ...... "Uh Oh...... Ewwww." I ran for the door leaping over the dog and pushing aside a chair on the way.
When I threw open the door I was shocked and a little numb at what I found. There she was in all her nakedness standing in the corner of the room grinning from ear to ear ..... but wait .... what was THAT all over her little pink body...... and what was THAT all over the bedroom carpet, and the blankets, and the wall, and the door, and the toys, and Teddy? What WAS that???? The the smell hit me. And instantly I knew. It was poo. The Baby had to do what babies do, and we had been testing out the potty here and there .... well she decided she didn't want to make a mess in her diaper .... so she took it off - and did her business right there on the bedroom floor. That would have been bad enough but she must have tried to "hide the evidence"???? She put on her sister's slippers and stomped on the pile, squashing it into the carpet. It mustn't have been enough for her because she took off those slippers and stepped on the pile in her bare feet ... then walked all over the bedroom tracking poop prints from one end of the room to the other. I am not sure how it got all over her hands and arms and up her legs, but eventually it got onto the toys, blankets and anything else within reach. What a stinky mess.... and now because we were cribless, I had no where to contain the little darling while I cleaned up the offensive clutter. She needed a bath desperately but the bathtub was in use - I had been soaking my window blinds in the tub and still hadn't finished scrubbing them clean. I quickly fastened a clean diaper to my dirty Baby then strapped her into her chair at the table. I had to clean the blinds, drain the tub and wash it out so I could bathe the Baby. By the time the tub was ready she had fallen asleep in her chair.
I took the opportunity to tackle her room. I steam cleaned the bedroom carpet twice and scrubbed the worst of it with a scrub brush and stain remover. I gingerly carried all the offensive items down to the laundry room and disinfected the walls, door, bed rails, and poor Mr. Teddy :(  She was still sleeping..... so I ran to the garage and pulled down the attic stairs and quickly made my way up to the attic storage to find the side of the crib we removed (only the day before) so I could refashion the Baby's crib before she woke up. I masterfully reassembled the crib then tidied the bedroom, hung the blinds back up in the living room, filled the tub, and disinfected and put away the steam cleaner before waking the Baby for her bath. She was not happy to have her sleep disturbed .... but by then I didn't care. I was not trying to win the popularity vote ... I just wanted my house put back in order and smelling clean again before the kids got off the bus and my Husband got home from work. Once the Baby was squeaky clean and fully clothed I deposited her into the crib (she looked shocked and insulted at being confined again, like she had been demoted or something) I took one more look around the room and gathered up the cleaning rags and scrub brush. My hair was unkempt and my clothes were disheveled. I was sweaty and sticky and didn't smell quite right. My Husband came in at that moment, saw me and said "What the heck happened to you? What have you been upto all day?" I just stared back at him in disbelief. I could not find words to describe my day so I said "The Baby won't be put back into a toddler bed until she is potty trained... no matter how long that takes!" and left it at that.
Here are a few funnies from our house to yours:

* When the Baby gets frustrated or angry she blows raspberries (spits). Well she was upset with me at lunch time because I wouldn't give her more until she had finished what she had. So she hollered at me and spit toward me. My supportive Husband was supressing laughter behind me. I used my "serious face" and told her to apologize for that. (yup, at 22 months old she knows what "apologize" means) "Sowwwwy" she said in her babyish voice - eyes looking down at her highchair tray. "Don't do that again." I scolded and turned to get her more sandwich. "Dammit!" she yelled. My Husband couldn't keep it together any longer and broke out in laughter. Which caused the Baby to repeat "it" over and over again (because it made Daddy laugh).
{"Dammit, by the way, is her way of saying "sandwich"} "Alright, enough!" I said to both of them in a stern voice. "Pllllbbbbtttt" She spits at me again ..... and my Husband starts laughing all over again.

* Our Baby is known as the "Incredible Escaping Baby." She has developed new 'seat belt unfastening skills' and keeps getting out her booster seat. She climbs out of the seat and onto the table, stands up reaching for the lights, kisses the wisemen (from our manger scene) and takes bites out of apples and puts them back in the fruit bowl. It had become so dangerous that we had to get her a new booster seat with different seat belts and a tray to prevent her from unlatching the belts and escaping. She was very upset by this at first and protested loudly. Now she's taken a differrent approach and thinks that she can sweet talk you into releasing her. She will get you to come hug her when she calls you and asks for "uggs" then she whispers in your ear "out please?" and gives you a big innocent smile and batts her eyelashes. She has not yet learned that manners don't get you everything.

* The Baby is really into having her boo boos kissed these days. If she stubs her toe while racing through the house she will run to you saying "Ooooooh 'Tisses' " and holding out the offended body part.
One night in the bath tub she slipped and hurt her bum. She began her "Ooooh's" and held her bottom while backing up toward me saying "tisses, tisses." I had to refuse. She was perplexed. I don't know if she was confused by my refusal or by my laughing hysterically.

* The Teenager got the little Girlies a Princess and the Frog bath set for Christmas. Recently after a bath, little Susan asked "When am I gonna turn into a frog?" I came to find out that the Teenager had told her that by using the green bubble bath she would turn into a frog ..... and being only 4 years old, she believed her.
And here are a few funnies from Grandma's Archives:

* 1980 - When we were out one night Melissa (6 years old) had been playing in the field and came home with two burrs stuck in her hair. Not wanting to wait until I returned home she chopped off one side of her beautiful long blonde curls. Not wanting her to ever do this again on her own I made a rather big deal out of it telling her that she should have waited for me to try another solution, now it looks terrible, etc. I made her wear it that way to school the next day. It didn't bother her one bit! She came home and stated that she didn't care about her hair because "The boys like ME, not my hair!"
Join our mailing list and receive notification EVERY TIME we post a new entry!

Just enter your name and email address in the "Join the Mailing List" section on the right - Weekly updates will be delivered right to your email inbox :)
Don't keep it to yourself ...... share this blog with your family and friends!
Make the best of every situation you find yourself in. Have an adventurous week ..... may you be abundantly blessed.
Blessings to you - from my Fish Bowl to yours :)